Smooth sailing!

 You know what is tough? Is where to start or how do I start? The only thing that comes to mind is...well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in! That's it! That's all I've got! I've got so much on my mind that I do want to share and bam! I loose the nerve. Saturday and Sunday is my only days off. I do work half a day on Saturday. I have so much to do....to catch up on. Do you plan your day out? I do! I was thinking yesterday, while cleaning, how to overcome the fear of sharing deep thoughts? You know, for example, fears of being alone or why can I not serve God like I would love too. For some reason I was thinking about testimonies. I remember as a little girl being in church and our elders would stand up and testify about how good God had been to them. The elderly would say how they were still standing after going thru hardships. They would always say," I have served God for twenty five years and I am still standing here." As a little girl I didn't think much of their testimonies because I herd them all the time. 

Fast forward to me being almost fourty and I was pondering.....what would my testimony be today...in honesty. I am not proud of myself. My testimony or story would be as follows....oh! Dear God help me! My testimony would start out like this...." I would like to stand up and thank God for me being here today. Over the span of my life till now at fourty...I have not been faithful to God like I would like to be. I have fallen down flat on my face so many times I have lost count. There have been many times I have been down with my face in the ground for so long that I dont remember what it feels like to walk, run, fly, or stand, with Christ. It is so bad I can not even lift my face to look at the sky to imagine to be looking at God. I feel so guilty because I should do and be better. I truly live on grace. I have left God so many times. I don't even want to count the times. I do not drink or smoke....it's just leaving God,  like setting him on the shelf and walking away for a bit.

I look back at my life and remeber thinking when I grow up I will be the best Christian ever because I know how to be a Christian. I was taught how to pray, walk, worship, and talk to God. I KNEW all about God. God was going to be with me! I thought I would be serving God with dad, mom, brothers, sister, and my hubby. We would be going out to eat after church and go home to take a nap to come back for the night service. A family really dedicated to God! A church family. Checking all our little boxes to make it to heaven. 

Boy! All my thoughts and my expectations could not of prepared me for the ruining and breaking that was to come. My whole world came crashing down. My parents divorced after thirty something years of marriage. God did not prepare me nor did he protect me from the destruction that I would see and face. 

The breaking! I was not strong enough to stand....I fell into the dirt and inhaled that dirt. If I'm being honest...I did not want to stand. There was no life, just death. Death felt like it was my life. I had to watch each sibling one by one deal with their pain. One dealt with their pain by getting so drunk and would weep....not cry but weep. I was so numb from my own pain and could not help them. Everyone was on their own. Where was God? I know God can not control people but where was he in all this pain?  Even I had to put my pain on the back burner for a while trying to do damage control. My siblings and I were deserted by both our parents....we were all adults. I can tell you being grown and going thru a divorce with your parents does not hurt any less or makes it easier.

The bible says that even your parents will desert you!  Christian life has been glamorized. That if you are a good Christian and attend church regularly, that nothing will go wrong.  I truly believed that if I did right as a young person everything would work out right. Wrong! I felt betrayal as a daughter, wife, and mother. How could someone trade in their entire family for someone else's wife? You had your own family! I quickly learned you can not control anything in life. You have to let it be and let go.

The time finally came for me to grieve my parents marriage. My child was a little baby at the time. I had to wait for her to fall asleep. In the wee hours of the morning at 3am I would lay on the ground on my side and cry and cover my mouth with a shirt and weep. I wept for days. I grieved. It hurt so bad. I began to think why was i grieving like someone had died? God did not grab me and pull me thru the pain. He stood by and let me feel every bit of the pain. He did not speed up the process. There was no one to help me, hold me, no one to come pray with me and lift me up or help me bring up my family in prayer. We were alone. That word...alone...is what we fear. We need to become comfortable with being alone sometimes. 

In this grieving I did not blame God. There was no one or nothing to fall back on. There was nothing. How I got up everyday to be a wife, mother, daughter,  and sister...I have no idea. Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. Nothing seems to go right. Everything has been a fight. Have you been fighting for so long that you forget what rest feels like? I don't remember what it feels like to have a dad and to have my whole family together...like my dad, mom, brothers, and sister. I have no idea what it feels like to be together! We are all scattered. Satan came and he destroyed! 

For the first time in my adult life I understood pain. How can you call yourself a Christian and not understand pain? We have a cross to carry....that cross is not bedazzled in glitter and rhinestones! Oh! I have to be truthful for a second.... there have been many times I have wanted to pick up a bottle of wine, pour a huge glass of wine and smoke a nice smooth cigar to just get some relief from all these hardships. Want to know what is part of being a Christian is....denying passions that are not of God. Denying myself that is not a reflection of him. Oh I want to but I can't! 

Sometimes I ponder on those Christians that have been thru hardships and STILL not change! That is crazy there! I used to be an uncaring Christian. I was a Christian who was hard core. There was no mercy to be found in my heart. I did not care about who was going thru whatever trials or pain as long as I showed up to church. There was no time to see sick people. There was a struggle for me to even pay a compliment, or say, good job, or you look great. Honestly, I was a Christian who was a friend/enemy. There was jelousy....God forbid you were flying higher than me! Yes! Perfect little Christian! ( I know I am not the only one...if we're truly being honest with ourselves.)

When the breaking came for me....it made me reevaluate myself. When I took my heart out of my chest and saw my heart.....I WAS DISGUSTED! Pitiful! All those years in church WASTED! I wept at what I saw in myself. I was a Christian who was secretly happy when a person failed! (There are Christians who will plan or help plan a person to fall and act like it was all God who made the person fall! Deceitful!) I needed a wake up call and I needed to come to myself. I was a Christian without Christ. During dad and mom's divorce I realized how lost I really was. For the first time in my life I saw Christ. He loves people! He CARES about people. Christ just simply cares. His love crept up into my heart and gave me new eyes to see. 

I realized a man or woman cannot just live on bread (food) but we must live by every word that comes out of God's mouth. Our hearts must line up with the word of God. God's word protects our lives. Our flesh has a tendency to be evil. If we give advice make sure to look up your advice that your giving to make sure your not giving advice to make someone's life harder because you secretly want that person to fail! Watch your self! When you go looking for advice make sure you go to God's word! He has all the advice you need! Sometimes we go to a specific person to get specific advice because we know what kind of advice we're going to get from that person to put their advice into action...that's called deception. 

During this time of discovering Christ.....I began to read his word with new eyes. I talked to God as if he was sitting right next to me. He became my best friend. There was no dad and mom to make sure I was attending church. I was holding myself accountable for going to church. When I was a little girl I remeber looking down and feeling sorry for single dads/moms who would attend church by themselves. I felt so sorry for them. They did not have their family with them to attend church. I viewed them as weak. The weakest link in the church! Boy! Since God was breaking me apart already, he went ahead and put me in a place I had to attend church by myself! Strength! Courage! Valient! Pillars of the church! These words are for those who attend church by themselves! The strength it takes to get up by yourself, get them babies ready, your self ready, and get everyone loaded up in the car leaving your spouse behind takes so much STRENGTH! Even the Bible says it is better to have two then one. Talk about redefining my point of view! Foot inserted into my mouth. God was redefining me and showing me what I was truly made of. 

I felt like I had been gutted out clean inside of me. I remeber grabbing the Bible even though I had carried that Bible all thru my young life, this felt like the first time touching the Bible. I began to read God's word with new eyes. To be a living sacrifice to the Lord is what we should desire. Every movement, breath, thought, and word should line up to his Word. There is strength in the Lord! Of course when we decide to make a stand with Christ....guess who starts to show up! Satan! He did start to show up! He made sure to make things even harder. I do have to say he is good at what he does. I've got to give him credit. He's a genius! One of my parents came and told me to accept their cheating new person ( who also left their spouse to be with my parent) . My parent told me, " you need to accept this person because if you accept, then the rest will follow", meaning if I accepted this new person then my brothers and sister would accept the new person also. I remeber thinking to my self, I can not accept this! Everything I was taught in Christ about this is going against his word! Also, I felt if I lowered my standard then I was in a way putting my own marriage at risk. I could not lower the standard. This parent needles to say began to cuss me out! Everyone who is doing wrong in the eyes of the Lord wants their sin to be  accepted. I had to stand my ground. I remeber telling this parent. " if you wanted me to have low standards then you should not of raised me knowing Christ." 

Do I love Jesus? Yes! I can never seem to shake off this feeling that I should be loving him more. I find myself searching my heart constantly because I do not want to be like the so called Christian I was before. There is a fear of becoming that yucky Christian I was back in my youth. Now at fourty I hate and loath injustice. I hate favoritism. I do not want to just attend church and that's it. I want my life to line up with Christs words. I want him to flow all thru me. 

Having been thru the trials and tribulations I find myself worrying about people if they are ok. I don't want my enemies to be brought down low.....because I know how it feels to be at my lowest. People need to succeed and I am truly happy for others success. We need to prefer one another. We should not push and stomp on people to try to get ahead, its not God's way of getting ahead. 

Have I failed God? YES! I've gotten to the point I'm just staying down because if I get back up it means there is another fight bound to come! I'm tired! I'm exhausted! I'm just barely existing. Fear has become who I am right now spiritually. Recently, I got offended from things that were out of my control and honestly, I built a house and put up a mail box to live there in this offence. The offense went to my very core and I could not shake it off. I would keep replaying in my mind what had happened. I questioned why did I experience being THIS offended? I was shocked at how offended I was. Just so we are clear this offence was not some triffle matter. This offence caused my husband I to almost loose everything! It hurt us so bad financially! During this time I stepped away from everyone and have been quiet. My heart was vulnerable and I at first was so upset. I did not have anything to say. As each day passed things for me inside began to loosen up and let go little by little. I told my husband I now know how it feels to be hurt by someone. This offence has become a part of my testimony. Is everything all better? NO! I am more guarded about who I speak too and what I say and where I go. 

There have been many times I asked God....what are you going to do with me? How can you reach me? I don't know where I am in this walk. I remeber having a dream a couple years ago that I saw this tree, a weeping willow tree, and God showed me it was me. I remember in this dream I walked up into a garden of trees and I was given a message to go and see this particular tree. In my heart I NEEDED to see if this tree was still growing, standing, alive, and doing well. Deep inside of me I was holding back tears and anticipation. There were trees on both sides of me as I walked forward. Finally, I saw the tree. I began to cry! Why? This tree was ever so green! It was a beautiful tree! She was still standing and thriving. I felt such wonderful joyful relief. This tree was a weeping willow tree. Do you know the biblical meaning of a weeping willow tree? It means sorrow, mourning, rebirth, and vitality. The weeping willow tree is so strong it can be bent and not break! The weeping willow tree has the strength to ENDURE! Dear God Almighty! What a message to be given. Been thru so much but still standing!!!!!! You would think with such a message I would of stood like a super hero thru every fight! NOPE! I fell. Down. Every. Time! But you know what? I may have fallen down every time, I'm pretty faithful with falling down, I got back up. I did not lay down and die. I got back up and limped forward...maybe even crawled. (Notice I didn't say walked or run forward). 

We have this belief that a good Christian means everything is smooth sailing and that's how we can judge a Christian person's walk with Christ. If a Christian is going thru hardships it must mean that person is doing something wrong in their walk. Look! If you have done wrong to someone and then things start to happen to you then yes! That means you did do something wrong.  In the Bible Job and Joseph went thru very hard times and they loved God.

I am spiritually in a place fear has gripped my heart. I ha e been spiritually paralyzed! Fear to move forward because of what is on the horizon waiting to try and take me down. I don't want to go down again. I've been frozen with fear. Fear has become my excuse. Where to go from here? I really don't know. May God give me courage. Courage to get up and walk again. Courage to face trials again. God come find me. Restore me. Breath life into me again. Get my fear and chop it's head off and knowing you, you will call it my victory. Knowing good and well it was all you. 

We are promised very difficult times. It's not supposed to be easy here on earth because why would we need to make it to heaven. The bigger the threat we are to Satan's kingdom the more harder the trials and battles. Help me Lord to have courage again to pick up the cross and embrace the splintered wood with my hands and to walk forward again. 

This is my testimony. This is my story. But! It's not my ending!