Life.....can life get any more difficult? Yup!

Normal. Gosh I forgot what that feels like. Just when you think your life is headed back to a state of normality or you think you have learned all you can learn and hear comes a curve ball out of nowhere! You know I work with the elderly people and they are so wise. Some people look down on the elderly or refuse to work with the elderly because they are slower or say ugly things about them because they need a little help to try to continue to live their life in their old age. We will hopefully get to live life until our old age. I have recently been telling my husband I want to be the first to go when I am 95 years old! I feel like my husband would handle loosing me better then me loosing him. I say that because men are resilient and handle stress better than us women. As a wife I stay waiting for my husband to always come home to me. If I were to ever loose my husband I would forever wait for him to come home to me!  The elderly always tell me to make your home a place you never want to leave. We built our house almost four years ago and my husband and I are still making our home a place we do not want to leave!

Christmas 2025 mom with all of us siblings.

              The house decorated for Christmas.

Recently, I am so appreciative of building our home. I am so glad we built our home when we did. The timing was perfect! My mom got very sick recently and her health began to decline in March of 2025 and had her first stroke and had another small stroke in May 2025....just like the dream I had of her getting sick. In this dream my mom showed up and she got out of our car and she had a black cane and she looked sick. I mean really sick! In the dream I was so shocked and as I looked over my mother I was saying in my head in the dream what has happened to you! I remember in the dream my dad got of our vehicle on the other side of our car and I stood in shock! My dad and I do not speak and have not spoken for about 6 or 7 years. As soon as I saw my dad in this dream, raging hate began to fill my heart. This hate and rage surprised me in this dream because at the time of the dream I had already forgiven him in the past. Of course I have had to forgive him time after time because a wave of hating him would hit me out of no where, like a wave upon the sand. Back to the dream, I knew mom would one day be getting sick and walking around with a black cane. Well that day came and mom went to the dr in March because she started  falling here and there. She would be walking and out of no where she would fall. She went to go see her doctor and she called me and she told me the dr ordered her to walk with a cane and mom went to the store and bought a cane. At this time mom was still able to drive. While she was at the dr office I took a day off work to take care of my daughter while mom went to the dr. I remember asking mom what color was her cane and she answered the cane is black.. just like in the dream! 

Mom's room 

Mom's room

I have to be honest with myself about this new season of my life, mom has declined so much. I feel like I am fighting to keep her going sometimes. I do not like this part of my life. When I get home I have to cook separately for my mom because her diet is restricted. When she is needing to go to the hospital she calls me to her room. We went to the dr today and she is at her last resort of taking blood pressure medicine because the other medications were giving her really bad side affects. Have I cried about my mom's decline? Yes! By myself. My feelings have gone to rage and hate because I am having to carry this load and this load belongs to the person who promised till death do us part! I have rage and I have hate! I see it in my whole being! It is almost blinding! Another part of the dream coming true! 

No one wants to loose their parent. I often find myself looking at my mom when she walks with her walker because, the cane has become too much work for her, and I see her. I mean I really see her! She is weak. Am I proud of myself for stepping up as a daughter? To be honest I am not proud of myself self. I am the eldest daughter and I am doing what I hope my daughter will do for me when my time comes. I do have fear. Fear of when the time comes that the reality of not having mom there will be ever so hard to accept. This life is so hard and life is short on time. 

One of our bathrooms christmas tree...is a cow tree!

Mom's Christmas tree

I find myself making the house as beautiful as I can for my mom. I have the house dressed up for fall and Christmas trees decorated for fall. The house is spilling over with fall and it is all for mom! I do not know what tomorrow holds or if tomorrow will come but I do try to make everything special. Mom has good days and bad days but I am just grateful for her having days! 

For Christmas my sister and I collaborated together for moms Christmas gift and my sister bought a chair and I bought the desk so my mom could do her drawings. My mom used to draw a lot when she had her first stroke. When mom had her second stroke mom just did not have the strength to take out her drawing stuff and set it all up. She needed something that would have her drawing readily accessible. Now! When she has a good day or she feels ok for a bit she sits down and draws. My husband and I encourage her to draw. My clown of a dad did not let her draw when she was married to him! Everytime she tried to sit down and draw he would say the ugliest things to her.....so she would not draw. I have told my siblings one day when God calls mom home I get first dibs on her drawings and I will evenly distribute the drawings evenly to us all! I'm the eldest so! 

Mom's drawing desk

The window where her drawing desk is positioned.

The view of mom's drawing desk.

Here is I am checking in on mom. 

Mom is doing life!

You draw mom and enjoy your hobby!

I have decided to spend my days more wisely...with mom!  I will reach out to people who reach out to me. I have thought about times I have been there for people and even baked a cake to go and see them when they had bad times in their life and those same people did not even come to check up on me or message me!  The roads I once traveled down many times that led me to old friendships have turned out to be one direction  friendships....if I did not make the effort then the road became silent. My husband and I have had conversations about these friendships and I told my husband I have made my peace with these friendships and closed the doors of my effort. I pray for new friendships for my husband and I. I have to say with a smile, we already have found new friendships and out of no where friends and family from the past have just showed up at our door step! It feels like a new adventure! 

Mom on her wedding day holding me!

Now Christmas is on the horizon and I have taken all the fall decor down and up goes the Christmas decor! I can not help but think about maybe this could be mom's last Christmas. I dressed the whole house with Christmas trees. I literally have every room with a Christmas tree in it. Mom has gotten to the point I have to sweep, mop, and clean up her room and bathroom. She simply cannot do it herself. I had to order her a bed rail because she is having a hard time getting out of bed. I called my sister and my sister will be coming on certain days to help mom too. I did advise my sister mom has declined a little bit. Mom seems to be having more bad days than good days now. My sister gets upset about our mom because she hates that my mom is not herself anymore. My sister would love for mom to be her old self again and so would I. 

My mom pregnant with me!

Mom is the only link from when we had a mom and dad. She is so important to my siblings and I. I ponder on how I will feel when she is gone one day. I can honestly say I have been thru so many heart breaking battles and loosing my mom will be heartbreaking for me. When I drive home from work I do cry and let off some steam because I know I will not have her for too long. In the beginning of mom's decline I was so furious because she did not deserve this difficult time. I questioned why is this happening to mom and not to the one that traded us in for someone else? Then I remembered a Bible verse that says God takes the righteous out early. I have to say this Bible verse for me in this situation is somewhat comforting because I do not want to let my mom go when God calls her home. I know what God means by that verse. When it is moms time God will let her sleep and she will rest with no worries and no more pain. I still want her here! 

Mom, my sister in the middle, and me!

As a daughter who is taking care of her mom and having to be close by watching her decline........I feel lonely. It hurts so much to see my mom like this. This whole situation has put a strain on me. I can feel I am having to do double the work and thats ok.....that is the strain. Mom is never going into a home because I am there for her. I wish I had more time when she was healthy. I try so hard to shake off this impending doom or hard reality. Life is simply harsh. I see the beauty in life when I look at my daughter. I think of the day when God calls me home and I worry about my daughter and I know my mom thinks the same thing about her children. This whole circle of life is pretty tuff! 

My sister sent mom Valentine flowers 2026

There is so much happening in the world right now! In my next blog I will share a dream I had a couple of months ago. Take care of you! If you do not take care of yourself then you will not be able to take care of your ministry (your loved ones). The world is in turmoil and I encourage all of you to still wake up, be strong, and still have those little moments to make a pot of coffee with that slice of pie or cake and enjoy a sunset! 

Love,

Sonya Marie!